I found this recently in one of these Dear Abby type columns…
Dear Prudie, [short, apparently, for "Prudence"]
I am a pastor, with 25-plus years of marriage under my belt. I don’t love my wife. We have two wonderful children, both grown up and out on their own. The “why” of getting married is immaterial, but staying married has always been based upon the “for better or worse” part of the marriage covenant. We get along fine. We don’t fight or argue. When I am not at the church, I am at home. We do all of the things a married couple does, except without the sex. She has never been a “turn-on” and that’s my problem. She has a vulgar mouth. She has packed 75 pounds of flab onto her frame since our wedding. She is also, frankly, dumb, with no desire or ambition to learn anything. She isn’t satisfied with our sexless relationship but has resigned herself to the fact of it. Neither of us has ever strayed into marital infidelity. What I yearn for is companionship that can be warm, intimate, cultured, and intellectually stimulating. With 20/20 hindsight, I know I could have done much better. I also know that my wife and I could never have brought finer children into the world. I am content to stay married, even if only for the legal benefits and to avoid the uncomfortable ramifications of a marriage that “failed.” But I find myself casting my eye around lustfully. I know I would make a very comfortable divorcee, and yet I don’t want to rationalize my actions by blaming her shortcomings, or by accentuating my needs. Rather, I need “prudent” advice.
And, here, in part, is “Prudie’s” terrible response…
You understand the situation quite well, so Prudie won’t suggest you discuss this with your clergyman. Clearly you have outgrown your wife. The wild card is that this “dumb” woman with a sailor’s mouth and 75 extra pounds was able to nurture fine children. Could it be that she is as unhappy as you … hence the 75 pounds? In any case, there is no reason two people should stay yoked together like two mules if the marriage is empty
I hope this wasn’t a Lutheran pastor. I don’t know if it was, but I hope not. And, have you ever heard such a wimpy response from the so called expert? “Oh well, I know you said this and that and made these promises, but, shucks, you’re not happy anymore, and this is getting to be hard work so you should have every right to do whatever you must to be comfortable and fulfilled.” No, he doesn’t! Who said he has some God given right to “happiness”?
Not only that, but has this man given no thought to what happened on his wedding day? He says he knows he “could have done much better”, but has he forgotten that it was God who joined him to his wife, not him.
Here is how I might have answered: “I am sorry you’re so unhappy. I am sure it is hard. But your promise still stands. You promised to love her. So go ahead: love her. That doesn’t mean: ‘I go weak in the knees when she is around. She arouses me or makes me feel good about myself.’ It means ‘I serve her. I lay down my life for her. I am her husband, defending her, praising her, helping and comforting her. I treat her like a queen, like the most wonderful and precious thing on this earth.’ Give yourself to her. Treat her like God has treated you in Christ. That means forgiving her, loving her without cause, looking past her blemishes instead of dwelling on them. You didn’t promise to be infatuated or ‘in love.’ You promised ‘to love.’ Now do it.”
The best strategy for restoring love to a marriage happens to be thoroughly Biblical: Act like you’re in love, speak loving things, serve your spouse. We need to ditch the romance ideas and scrub the toilets. We need to stop trying to buy affection with jewelry and dinners out and start providing some real relief around the house, doing real acts of service to ease the life of our spouse. When we do that – when we serve one another and speak words of praise, kindness, and grace to one another, whether we feel it or not, the feelings return. This goes for husbands and wives. Don’t forget you married this person thinking you were in love. That feeling can and does return. All the time. It works. Besides that, it is what you promised to do anyway.
As a matter of fact, in matters of marriage or otherwise, if a friend or a counselor gives this kind of cowardly advice and encourages your desire to be happy or fulfilled or comfortable or turned on or intellectually stimulated, etc., run – don’t walk – run from them. They are dangerous. Our deep-seated covetousness doesn’t need to be encouraged any more than it already is. They should be urging you “to stay and do you duty”. All for now.
